The book sort of wrote itself. The “stories” were literally the words I used to help my clients understand their experiences and behaviors without using psycho-babble. Their reactions and comments of understanding helped hone the words. The exercises came from various sources and were picked because they seemed to facilitate insight and change quickly. Clients eventually began to ask that I write the words down so they could take them home and digest them slowly. Over several years, the handouts I wrote developed into A Language of the Heart.

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Yes, I believe there is. From the age of about three on, almost everything we do and think is mediated through language. We have this story of our life that we tell ourselves. This story is a quasi-logical narrative that helps us make sense of our experiences. It isn’t necessarily the truth. It is only the habitual way in which we talk to ourselves about ourselves and about others. Often it is a story that is filled with the language of abandonment, fear and anger. This may not be immediately apparent because we do a great job of pushing these out of our consciousness. Nevertheless, they habitually exist in the language underneath what we present as our self. The “stories” of A Language of the Heart help people become aware of the language they use to describe themselves and others. This is the first step in changing the habit of our personal story and the story we use to help us understand others. The “stories” provide a different language, based in love, compassion and understanding to explain experiences and behaviors. It is a language of the heart.

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The stories in A Language of the Heart are not stories in the traditional sense. They are narratives that I have found useful to explain to my clients how they came to think and behave they way they do. Each narrative covers an area of human experience that has been problematic. The “stories” provide a narrative that is hopefully more open ended and flexible to help people talk to themselves in more kind and loving ways.

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I think the biggest difference is its simplicity. I have read many of the books available and a lot of them are quite good. However, in some I found myself becoming bogged down in the words. I would try to find where I fit in all of it and frequently thought they must be talking about other people. This was especially true if the book was about a specific symptom or relationship problem. My experience as a clinician has taught me that we are not that different. Our symptoms may be different, but the root cause is usually the same, fear. I think it is important to identify the fear and address it directly. I have hope that A Language of the Heart does that.

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My answer for men or women would be similar, though men and women often have different “map” components they must address. We tend to recreate our “maps” of how the world works wherever we go. “Maps” are templates that tell us how to interpret others’ behavior and what we are supposed to do in response to that interpretation. And they tell us how we are supposed to be in the world. They are what we learned about ourselves and the world from birth to about age eighteen. They aren’t necessarily the truth. Nor are they necessarily as useful or effective at getting us what we want as they could be. Yet we still use them. This is partly because they are unconscious and partly because they have turned into habit. This book helps individuals begin to recognize their patterns of interpretation and response. In other words, make their maps conscious so they can decide now as adults whether that “truth” they learned about themselves or others when they were younger is still the Truth with a capital “T”. If it isn’t the truth, they might be able to come up with new strategies for getting what they want. A Language of the Heart provides new strategies to help them get what they want.

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So, what’s my “story”, huh? Well I was born and raised in the heart of corn and beans, Illinois. I acquired a “map”, for better or worse, like everyone else. My curiosity about how I came to think and behave the way I do and about why others did what they did led me on a circuitous path to clinical psychology. My clinical experience is pretty varied, from directing an adolescent substance abuse program in the eighties to doing research at the state level and being the clinical director in an adolescent prison in the nineties. Along the way I maintained a private practice. I had wonderful training experiences including therapies with different kinds of therapists, training groups in object relations, and I hold a Master Traumatologist certification. I have been extremely lucky to have mentors along the way who helped me learn how to think without telling me what to think. In the last few years I have been teaching graduate classes to aspiring therapists in the theories of personality and psychotherapy. A Language of the Heart most certainly contains elements of all those experiences.

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That is a very interesting question. Various cultures are more or less heavily “map” oriented. In other words, the manner in which maps are passed from one generation to the next is more inflexible. This by the way is not specific to African American or Latino cultures. There are wide variations within every culture where families are more or less inflexible. This inflexibility often leads to problems because of the abandonment issues that arise when we try and act differently than what is expected. This is also true when we act differently than what our “culture” expects. To go against the expectations created by family and cultural maps can be very anxiety provoking. This anxiety is what forces us to pay attention to what others want and expect of us to be loved. And it is this anxiety that results in our reproducing our map even when it isn’t particularly useful or effective in getting what we want in life. I personally think that being self-validated and intentional, which are ideas explained in A Language of the Heart, lead to a more fulfilling life. However, becoming self-validated and intentional requires learning to evaluate yourself and not be pressured by outside influences if you determine they are not healthy for you. So the answer is, yes, A Language of the Heart can help people of all cultures become self-validated and intentional. The difference will be in the degree they must manage the anxiety of being different.

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Self-validation and intentionality are concepts that pertain to how we think about ourselves and how we react in certain circumstances. To be self-validated means that you remember your basic self-worth and do not need others to tell you that you are okay. In A Language of the Heart, it carries the additional connotation that you don’t have to drop down into survival mode when someone disagrees with you, rejects you or doesn’t love you. Being intentional means that you choose your responses instead of knee-jerk react in habitual ways to protect your heart.

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No, not specifically. However, the principles of A Language of the Heart are fundamental to finding a path to spirituality that is not hindered or characterized by fear. I think that our genetic need for attachment is just a microscopic example of our need to re-connect with God. And I think that the way we reconnect is through the heart in love. This means we must learn to manage our fear and make decisions about what we do spiritually by choice, not because we have fear if we don’t. It is the very nature of free will. If we are being coerced into faith because we fear hell, we are not choosing. If we are being self-coerced into relationships because we fear being alone, we are not choosing. A Language of the Heart provides a starting place for us to learn to love and trust ourselves and not fear being alone. Then we can choose.

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Yes! And this is why. When you are in relationships, whether they are work or family relationships, the others you relate to are usually relating from a position of a broken heart. They have expectation they will never be seen for who they are and they have learned a lot of ways to protect themselves. These behaviors are often the ones you run up against that are so frustrating. They are self-protective behaviors, which you then react to in your own self-protection. When you become self-validated and intentional, you no longer react in self-protective ways because you don’t have a need to protect yourself. You do not feel abandoned when the other person is being reactive. You don’t interpret the other person’s behavior as being about you. This will first generate some anxiety in the other person because they have expectation you will react in certain ways. Over time they come to realize they don’t seem to have to protect themselves from you as often. They begin to trust that you aren’t going to hurt them. This will usually change their behavior. And even if it doesn’t, your own understanding of what is happening has changed. You are no longer reactive, emotional and unhappy. If the relationship is and remains abusive, you may eventually have a decision to make about whether to stay in it. A Language of the Heart provides a means for us to learn to love and understand others and not be reactive to their reactivity. That, in itself, promotes healthier relationships.

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It is the fundamental nature of humans to be in relationship. We are social animals and seek to be attached. It is only when this attachment is misperceived as a need that we get into trouble. The reactivity in relationships is about the fear of abandonment. A Language of the Heart goes right to the issue of the fear of abandonment that fuels almost all of the difficulties faced by couples. The exercises in the second part of the book are directed specifically toward couples. However, it is important to note that the exercises can be done by one person with others who aren’t even aware you are practicing an exercise. They are all about being self-validated and intentional and self-soothing in anxiety provoking situations. Couples are often amazed at how quickly their conflicts clear up when they begin to take responsibility for their own reactivity.

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Reactivity is the flip side of intentionality. It is a reference to the habitual ways we react under a specific set of circumstances. These reactions are not thought out. They are unconscious habits usually learned between birth and age eighteen and used to protect our hearts. They are short term solutions for getting us what we really want and rarely successful.

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Yes, once parents understand the manner in which maps are created and begin to manage their own reactivity, much of the conflict disappears. Parents frequently confuse love and discipline. They interpret their children’s behavior as meaning their children don’t love them or the situation reminds them of their own poor self-esteem as ineffective parents. This leads to the parents being reactive. They get angry and do something to reactively hurt their children. Of course, the children will quickly learn ways to protect themselves. So the cycle of conflict continues. There are several suggestions in A Language of the Heart that parents can use in their childrearing.

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Ha! My students ask that all the time. What the heck is this? My answer is that I do object relations oriented, cognitive behavioral social constructionism. It seems to cover the most important bases. Though there are elements of many theories represented in the stories. The theories do not contradict each other. They just explain areas of human experience in different words. What I do is explain the constructs in a manner that helps others understand their own experience without psycho-babble.

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Yes, I believe you can if that includes doing the exercises. Many of my clients report significant relief just reading the stories. However, I think for long term change to occur it is necessary to do the exercises. There is a significant amount of personal learning about oneself that is necessary to begin to change the ways in which we interact with others. It would be hard to get this learning just from reading the book. There are also special instances when individuals have trauma histories that may need the additional help of a good therapist trained in treating trauma.

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I am not sure you can call them down-sides but there are certainly consequences that take some getting used to. First, it is likely that someone doing the exercises will actually begin to feel the sadness they have been carrying around and ignoring for so long. I personally think that is a really good thing to have happen, though it probably wouldn’t be classified as one of those top ten things you want to do on a day off. Of course, neither is going to the dentist or having by-pass surgery but we do it to be healthy. Eventually the pain and fear of being sad dissipates and sadness takes its place as a natural, normal emotion that we can experience without discomfort. Second, when we become self-validated and intentional we have to take responsibility for our own lives. There are no longer any excuses for how things turn out because we are the ones in charge. We are the ones in charge of our own happiness and our own success. Many of us have the habit and find it easier to blame anything but ourselves for outcomes we don’t like. Self-validated, intentional people don’t blame others or situations. They assess a need and respond, staying in the process of living. Third, as Thomas Wolfe wrote, “You can’t go home again”. Once you become conscious it is very difficult to revert to the sleepy reactions of your past. Being self-validated and intentional requires effort in managing your life. Your view of your life and your expectation for how you want your life to look changes. This means your life will change. Change is often anxiety provoking and takes effort, so it is necessary to both self-sooth and exert energy. Alas, there ain’t no free lunch.

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